CLASSIFIEDS

PROFESSIONAL COMMENTERS WANTED

Do you know the TRUTH? Do you want other people to know the TRUTH?Seeking people to comment on social media posts at all hours of day and night. Send your folio to tenfingerzproductions@gmail.com

WANTED: Human without Butterfly House phobia

-if they exist - to conduct a world first.... The Moth Tours of Melbourne! Will need: to supply own light-up bodysuit (min. 999 lights) high tolerance to intense flapping in face goggles possible ventriloquist skills to avoid inhaling patrons extensive catalogue of relevant Moth>Melbourne jokes eg. “What did the Restaurant Tram employee say to the clothes moth? …....Polycotton or linen for entree, Sir?” Ahahaha. Things like that. Although not exactly that – that one's mine. You can't use it.

Can pay in old cereal/rice.Q

Mothy Tucker

NOW HIRING PROFESSIONAL PROTESTERS

We need a swarm. We need an ant colony. Seen any locusts lately? Termites are good. Where are all the mosquito larva gestating these days. We need a swarm.

Resilliance Proxy.

F/T immediate start, attractive package preffered. I'm seeking a proxy for myself to fill the role of my being resilliant. I have no interest in engaging with the outside world until a manageble state of normal has been resumed. You will be maintaing my outward interactions and assuming my physical being while I am in absetnia and revisit to a long lost interest in video games and gravity bongs. Your role will require you to adminster the maintenance of my professional and personal life until you have succeded in elevating my life position beyond the status experienced pre March 16, 2020.

Just stop me on the street and yell your resume at me.

David

Tenticle Model Required:

Ready to move by jet propulsion down the cat walk of buy high sell low fashion? Sucking water into a muscular sac in your mantle cavity, surrounding your body and quickly expelling it out your narrow siphon. Backpackers welcome.

neptune@lostcityofalantisfashionweek.com

JOUSTING STICKS FOR SALE

Price: Couldn’t be more than $250 (depending on the condition)

Succulent seeking symbiotic parastie:

I'm an early starter. A young flexible succulent looking to broaden my horizons by sharing my mortal coil with another lifeform in an act of complete humility.

Lef

WTB: TRACTION.

Seeking traction. Any kind will do. I can't seem to get no damn traction. Social, professional, metaphysical, I'm slipping away here!

I'm fired.

Unfortunately things have not been working out and I'm being let go from my current employment. They wish the very best in my future endeavours.

SPST

SPST SPST TAPPITY TAP TAP ATPA SPST SPST SPST SPST SPST

SPST

Let The Games End

It's time to bring these to a close. It has gone on long enough.

The truth is cool.

Trends for spring - the truth.

Dad rang.

Call him back when you get a chance.

Enough is literally enough.

I dont know what else there is to say about this.

Converted Warehouse Party

Tunes, Vibes, Moods.

Brunswick 2021

This just didn't happen

I don't care what anyone says. This just simply didnt happen.

If you say something, say something.

It's important in the current climate to ensure that when you speak you are actually saying something.

NEED A CAKE ESCAPE?

Contact Koala Hall
Cake Escape Instagram

BACKYARD BUCKSKIN LEATHER TANNING PRIVATE TUITION

Learn to tan your own buckskin leather naturally with one on one private tuition or with up to two friends. Go at your own pace. Tan small to medium sized animal skins such as fish, rabbit up to goat and deer. Learn how to source materials, tan the hides and craft them the traditional way. All materials provided. Cost: Either half of your first fully tanned skin, negotiated time exchange or $POA

Traditional tanner.

yang.michelle.ei@gmail.com

Saturn Returns Policy

27 year warranty. If you're not completely satisfied after 27 years we will happily exchange.

How to destroy your life!

With the world falling apart, why not dismantle it yourself? Practical guidance for an easeful and personal apocalypse.

Atlas Talisman

www.openworldtheatre.com/contact

REJECTION OPPORTUNITIES FOR ARTISTS

Send in a well thought out and articulated application today. Guaranteed rejection in 6-12 weeks.

ANTIFA MEETUP

Welcome to the bi-weekly ANTIFA organisation meetup. A highly organised task force mobilising to taking action against modern day Fascism. Highly trained, strategic, tactical: Anarchists, Punks, Ruffians, Brigands, Looters, Yheives, Brutes and Thugs welcome. Held at the official ANTIFA headquarters every second Tuesday of the month.

You: a woman walking past on the street Me: the guy that yelled 'nice tits!'

I feel like we had a connection? I'm so twisted with partriarchal norms that I can't resolve the conflict between needing women to prove that I'm manly while also disregarding their talents and desires because I consider them unimportant. Why do I care so much that you like me if I care so little about what you like?

Msg me if you've got enough internalised misogyny to be happy to wash my stinky jocks forever as a reward for 'pinning me down' (though I'll dump you for someone younger if I get half a chance).

Dazza

NON-BINARY ARTIST SEEKS ORC GIRLFRIEND

Ideal candidate to have a hulking, brutish demeanor. Must have an appreciation of blunt force weapons, gorging on food and belly rubs. Goblin girlfriends with long, hooked noses may also apply.sebastianberto@gmail.com

Platonic Romance

Intimate partner required. Must meet government requirements.

Into the woodwork

Seeking solace and obscurity.

What's your bank deets?

Please send through your bank deets so I can pay you. Thx.

I WANT MORE

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!